Did you know there is a “magic ratio” which reliably predicts whether a marriage will last?

Well, there is. It sounds overly simplistic, but it’s not.

It’s math.

The mathematical model of relationships was created by psychologist John Gottman, Ph. D. He is famous for a 1992 study noting positive and negative expressions between couples.

If a couples’ positive expressions outweighed negative ones by only 5-to-1, they were headed for marital trouble (and most often divorce).

And the studied proved to be 93.6% accurate in predicting which couples stayed together years after the study.

Let’s go one step further.

(Now I’m no psychologist and this is just a theory, but I can’t help trying to connect the dots!)

I am constantly seeing the devastation caused by pride — particularly in marriages.

It’s quite sad.

Wife and I were eating dinner with a married couple. Wife and I were glad for the opportunity to learn more about them. But the conversations kept turning sour.

The husband turned every topic into a dagger thrown across the table at his wife. The wife, in turn, caught his bitter yet polite insults and jabbed them right back in his face.

You may have guessed it was far less than the “magic ratio” of five positive expressions to one negative one.

Wife and I were shocked at how venomous they were toward each other at an otherwise peaceful dinner — with friends no less!

Most of the marital tension like this points right back to pride. The husband could not stand to be perceived as an equal to his wife. The wife could not pass up an opportunity to mock her husband’s immaturity.

Pride, and pride in return.

Each time the desire for pride outweighs unity, the bond between man and wife deteriorates. Each time humility conquers pride, marital unity strengthens.

Pride has no place in a thriving marriage.

Think how often you have witnessed someone crying, only to hear a well-meaning friend say, “Don’t cry!” We take a valid emotion and turn it into something to avoid.

I remember feeling very uncomfortable when people cried. I wanted to “fix” sad people and make them happy again.

But then I lost someone dear to me. And another loved one. Then several more.

And now, I feel differently.

When other people tried to fix my own sadness, my eyes were opened to how unhelpful it really is.

Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that sadness has its perfect place, and should not be ignored or fixed. Instead, it can be embraced and engaged, trusting that sorrow is meaningful.

Sorrow has its place, just as do laughter and even anger.

Though we mean well by trying to “fix” those who are sad, we only invalidate their experiences and emotions. We downplay whatever made them sad and try to rush along their recovery artificially. With our actions, we are telling sad people they are broken and need to be fixed immediately.

The grieving man needs friends to be with him. Not a band-aid for his soul when he instead needs empathy and a safe place to vent and be sad!

Once I went through sadness for myself, it became clear: sorrow is not the problem.

Our response to sorrow, however, is the problem.

“Don’t cry,” is just not the right thing to say, and I hope to never say it ever again. Instead, I will try to just be with you, giving you permission and freedom to be sad.

It’s sad how often I hear a man or woman jab his spouse verbally. It’s sadder still how much we undervalue marriage and being on the same page.

There are many books meant to strengthen marriage and communicate better with your spouse. Some of them are okay, and some are great. I’ve read a few, but two books stand out in my mind as must-reads for all spouses.

Do you have any marriage books you recommend? Leave a comment and let us know.

And for those single people out there — I dare you to read these two books and see if it doesn’t drastically improve your understanding of the opposite sex!

Recommended Marriage Books

1. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

One-sentence summary: Men and women are wired very differently, and understanding how will make all the difference!

Guys, I can’t tell you how much this book has helped my marriage. Wife and I got a paperback copy of the book and read it one chapter at a time, alternating possession. With two different colored pens, we underlined and starred phrases that we found interesting or especially true. Then we would re-read each other’s notes.

It will teach you how to respond to your spouse in the way he or she needs — not the way you need!

The short story is this book is a game-changer. Prepare to have your eyes opened about how the opposite sex is wired.

2. The 5 Love Languages

One-sentence summary: If we do not receive the type of love we need, we do not feel loved.

Did you ever realize that not all love is the same? People are “fluent” in a combination of five different languages. They love others and receive love in this best in this language.

Just knowing this is half of the battle. The other half is to make an active effort to love your spouse in his or her language, and be more receptive to love from your spouse in a language other than your own.

For example: I could buy wife gifts all day long, but doing the dishes and tidying the house make her feel loved much more.

So there you go.

Applying the wisdom from these two books has been a huge blessing to my relationship with my wife. And, I highly doubt they won’t benefit your marriage as well.

Wife and I returned home from a trip at 8:30pm. She unlocked the door to our apartment, pushed it open, and was immediately greeted by a dozen fleas jumping on her leg! Yes, I said fleas. No, we don’t have any pets. Nor did we have many neighbors at the time. It was weird and unexpected, but our home was infested with fleas.

Despite just arriving, we turned right back around and locked the door. Time to figure out a bed for the night!

We were overdue for a meal, so we went out for pizza to strategize.

After calling our landlord to ask him to take care of the problem, wife and I chatted about our options. We could find a hotel for a night or two — especially since we were still packed.

But that would have been a poor decision. Read on.

Instead, we pulled up a list of all our local friends. Guess what we discovered? There were nearly twenty families nearby who would gladly let us stay with them at a moment’s notice.

Whoa.

Wife said, “Who should we call?” Valid question — we could have started anywhere on that list!

What a wonderful problem to have.

Starting nowhere in particular, we called several numbers and left messages until someone answered, “Absolutely! Come right over.” Later, the husband joked, “You should have called us first!”

The families we left messages for called us back the next day and made sure we had a place to stay. They invited us to stay with them. Later, when we saw our church’s pastor and his wife, he said, “You should have called — we would have been glad to have you guys.” Honestly, it felt like our friends were fighting over the privilege of taking us in when we needed a bed for the night!

Again, what a problem.

If we had chosen to go to a hotel, we would have robbed our friends of the opportunity to give us a wonderful gift. The gift giver benefits even more than the receiver. I am finally beginning to understand how important it is to receive a gift well, for the sake of the giver!

If we hadn’t asked, our friends wouldn’t have been able to help out. And suddenly, I was glad we had fleas — for our friends’ sake!

Again, whoa.

But you know what? We didn’t need to have fleas to sleepover with friends. It would also be great to call on friends during good times as well, allowing others the opportunity to be blessed by giving.

Noted.

You need a safe place to share things that are going well in your life. A place free from jealousy and judgment and — worst of all — envy.

You are allowed to have a great week. Or a big financial win. Or have a wonderful time on your vacation. You don’t need to be ashamed of it or be afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings.

Yet some people have a hard time when their friends are winning. They feel left out or left behind. They can’t feel happy for you because they’re too busy feeling sorry for themselves.

They’re probably hurting pretty badly, and I want to acknowledge that. But they make it worse by not enjoying your victory with you.

You are allowed to want someone to be glad for your win. To want a moment of recognition for your hard work.

Jon Acuff calls this the “Brag Table.”

The Brag Table is a safe place to share your wins. Your weight loss. Your new job. How awesome your wife is. Finally finishing that big project. Accomplishing an important goal. Or even cleaning up that pile of papers that has been bothering you for months.

You need to be able to say, “I have a few things to bring to the Brag Table.”

But beware of those who envy the success of others. They will attempt to steal and murder your joy. Envy is toxic and hateful and bad for your skin. Probably.

So quit hanging out with those people, and find a few friends you can trust to be sincerely glad for your recent win. We all need support and reinforcement for our growth.