You feel like an awful, despicable monster. You were hiding your terrible past, suffering all alone.

But you finally decided to tell a few friends you trust, as we discussed in the last post.

So what’s next?

You’re still an awful, despicable monster, it’s just that now your friends know all about it. How is this any better?

It is worlds better than suffering in quiet isolation.

Let’s think about it together.

Say your vice is sugar. When you are upset, angry, lonely, or even bored, you eat sugar. It used to be an occasional treat, but your sweet tooth is beginning to control you. You find yourself sneaking sugary snacks many times in the day, even during short drives in the car!

There’s always a soda in your hand, and you have candy stashed in your pockets, car, and desk drawer.

You can’t tell anyone. No one would understand anyway, and they would just judge you for being so weak. Yet it’s miserable keeping it to yourself. To make yourself feel better, you turn to your pal sugar once again.

You feel miserable for losing the battle against temptation once again. You’re gaining weight fast, and now you feel even more miserable for that, too.

So you turn back to sugar.

You finally get brave and tell a solid friend you trust, prepared for her to be disgusted with you. She’s surprised, but she isn’t going anywhere. She is glad you told her and is there beside you while you deal with the problem.

The wave of relief you feel from being totally honest is amazing. The problem is still there, but you have begun to defuse the bomb.

Your friend encourages you to tell a mentor and other good friends. Cautiously, you do, and it helps. Hope is visible in the distance.

You still feel miserable, but you are no longer alone.

And now, if nothing else, your friends can trust you.

You lied to everyone before. Yet they can start believing you again. They can trust you when you say you are avoiding sugar and eating better. Or when you are giving in again. They can work with your honesty.

Which is much better than before, when they knew you were hiding something and they couldn’t trust you at all.

At least they can trust you. That’s huge.

So you’ve done some bad stuff. I mean awful.

That was yesterday. But now what? Do you keep it all to yourself? Or do you come clean to everyone?

When you have secrets about bad things you’ve done, pressure builds up until it becomes a bomb waiting to explode.

The pressure to keep those secrets indirectly affects everything you do. You might make decisions based on how well it covers your past, or avoid any activity which risks uncovering it.

And all to keep everyone from discovering your dirty little secret.

Why? Because if people find out, they won’t like you anymore.

They will disown you. They will judge you and think awful things about you for being an awful person. They will take your kids away. Your spouse will divorce you. The people you love will discover you are bankrupt, unfaithful, perverted, a liar, a thief, or otherwise intolerable.

Your pride is at stake. So you lock up the secret and try not to disturb the bomb.

After all, you can’t have anyone think poorly of you! You’re such a great guy to them (even though you can’t look yourself in the mirror).

And what is the dangerously explosive material building up inside this bomb?

The same which is at stake — pride.

If people knew your secret, the awful thing you did, your pride would explode, damaging your family, friends, and any trust they previously had in you.

Ouch.

But what if their love would look past your imperfection? What if others have awful things in their own past and would welcome you to share yours?

Or, what if everyone knows you’re hiding something, and they’re just waiting for you to come clean about it? (If you are hiding something, stop assuming no one has realized you are holding back!)

It’s time to defuse the bomb before it blows up in your face.

How? By detonating it yourself, a little bit at a time.

Contact trusted friends and counselors. You know, the spiritually grounded people who know you aren’t anywhere near perfect, yet they love you nevertheless.

Go out for coffee or give them a call, and just spit out the words which have haunted you for too long. Tell your secret. Be open and honest and — the dreaded “V” word — vulnerable.

Then see how you feel. Did you notice a huge sense of relief? Like you relieved a noticeable amount of pressure?

Of course! You showed humility and deflated your pride. You came clean, and although you are still ashamed of your past, you can at least experience an honest, empathic connection with a friend. How powerful!

And to let out some more pressure, tell someone else. Talk about the skeletons in your closet and ask for support.

Go ahead. Defuse the bomb.

One confession at a time.

We all know we’re supposed to give gifts and be generous. But it’s just as important to receive gifts well.

This week wife and I went to a restaurant we enjoy. We decided to bring Macy along and have a “Team Ralon Adventure!” I mean, why not?

I held Macy in my arms as we followed the host to our table. A manager was carrying a tray of drinks nearby when we heard the loud crash of glass shattering and suddenly my ankle was wet.

While still holding the tray, the manager touched my arm and asked in a serious tone if I was okay.

She was very distracted, staring at cute little Macy, while one of the drinks fell off her tray and broke near my feet.

I replied we were absolutely fine and asked her if she was alright. She was embarrassed and very concerned we would be upset with our restaurant experience. I assured her we were doing great and we went to our table.

(Honestly, we collect random experiences like this. It all makes for good stories.)

The manager came to our table to ask if there was anything she could do for us. Maybe give us a free dessert or take something off of our bill for the night. She was insistent!

I responded, “No need, because no harm was done! We’re having a great time. Thank you though.”

Then our waiter came and did his best to convince us to have a dessert on the house. He told us how bad she felt and how good the carrot cake is. By this time, I realized we needed to give this poor lady a break!

We didn’t feel wronged, nor did we feel entitled to a dessert. But this woman felt horrible and wanted to do something nice for us.

So we took her up on it and went home with some amazing carrot cake.

It’s weird how accepting a gift is just as important as giving one.

When we deny a gift, we block the giver from experiencing the joy she would have felt by giving it.

We made sure to stop by and thank the manager for the dessert on our way out. Wife and I could instantly see the relief on her face.

Receive the Gift II: Picking Up the Check
Receive the Gift III: The Corsage