The bad news? We all experience rough times in our lives. The good news? It’s not your fault… You’re a helpless victim!

Though my life is mostly perfect all of the time, with the occasional sitcom-worthy mishap here and there, it’s still not fully perfect. It pains me to admit it. However, I instantly feel better when I become the victim.

If any of these have been true for you recently, then you’re on the right track! If you haven’t, then you have some room for improvement — although it’s not your fault! Here are several tips on mastering helplessness:

How to Be the Victim

1. Realize you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for how you got here in life.
2. Realize you have NO CONTROL over your environment or circumstances.
3. Actively search out EXTERNAL causes to blame for all past, present, or future problems.

If you practice these, you’ll be a professional victim in no time at all. If you are no good at them, well, that works too!

Try these helpful phrases to free you from all forms of accountability and blame for any situation:

• “I couldn’t help it.”
• “I can’t do it.”
• “I had to…”
• “I have no idea what to do.”
• “I was born this way.”

And the trump card of all victimizing phrases:

That’s just how I am.

I’ve seen too many people take blame for bad stuff in their life, and I still can’t figure out why anyone would ever do such a thing! Only weak people accept blame when it’s not theirs to take. They must have had an awful childhood. But I guess that’s not their fault, either…

Though you may be tempted to feel shame about a poor decision with your name on it, just remember you are the victim and you had no other choice. No matter what, something else is to blame!

Helplessly,
-W. Albert Jameson, IV